The Cupcake Chronicles

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and reading, and then more thinking. This is the time in my life, where I am a wife and mother of 2, in my mid twenties, and finally figuring out who I am. Who am I? Where do I belong? What are my passions? Where do I stand politically, religiously, and even where I stand as a parent? I have young children right now. Young where I just need to protect, encourage, and love these little ones. But I am fast approaching a time where I need to find my ground as a mother and stand it. I have to stop looking at myself as that 16 year old girl, but rather as the 24 year old WIFE and MOTHER to two beautiful daughters. Some may understand this struggle I am facing, some may just think I'm full of shit. Whatever. This is my time. I may ramble on and on about nothing somedays, and other days have so much deep thought put into this, that it's hard to make sense of. Either way, it's mine. And I am determinded to actually keep up with it this time.

I have had quite a struggle to be my own person. I have tried so hard. It's a battle that I have to fight everyday. I can't blame my parents forever, but they did start it. I just have to really choose not to own it. I was in a co-dependent environment. I felt like I was worth nothing unless I heard it from my father. I depended on him for my self-worth, and never got it. I got older, and looked other places. Same story, different girl. I had multiple flings that I thought would bring me happiness and fullfillment, but none of them did. They only caused more numbness and only dug the hole deeper. I have come a long way since those days, but it's not over. I still rely on friends and family to make me happy. If I so much as think someone is upset with me, I get sick to my stomach. If they are doing something without me, I think that they hate me and are spending that time voicing their hatred of me. It's ridiculous to think that someone would spend that much of their time speaking of me, I know. Yet, I still let my imagination get away from me. I have tried so many times to just let things go and move on. I have tried talking to people in real life about it, but no one seems to get it. They just tell me there is no reason I should feel that way and to not worry about it. Yet, I still feel this way. The worst part is, I know I'm not helping. I'm angry all the time. I hate people in general. I'm nice to most people, but I'm a very unhappy person on the inside, and I don't know how to get happy. It's like I'm trapped. I'm in this mind of a very unhappy person wanting so bad to just be nice and happy. Am I missing something? What needs to fill this hole in me that I feel getting bigger? I've always been pretty good at hiding it, but I'm tired. And I'm starting to suck at hiding this. I think I need a vacation :) Or an outlet. I have GOT to find a hobby...:)