The Cupcake Chronicles

7 years ago on the 31st, M's father and I graduated high school. We had Royal Blue cap and gowns. It was the happiest day for us. We loved eachother, we had the whole rest of our lives in front of us just waiting. Then we had a baby. Which changed the direction of our roads. And now this baby is almost 5. And although it may seem silly to most, she had a graduation last night. And while watching her in that royal blue cap and gown just like the one her father and I sported just 7 years ago, I started thinking about HER future. And what I hoped her life would turn out like. Nothing in particular, just lots of happiness, and not nearly as much heartbreak as I have endured by so many in the past . I thought how fast this is all going. And how much faster it's going to get. I just want to keep up and be the mother that my mother wasn't. I want to be so much better than that.

If I wasn't so afraid, what would I do?


I would have tattoos EVERYWHERE
I would have SHORT hair
It would even be hot pink
I would have more friends
I would have the things I really wanted in life
I would have much different relationships with people
some of these people, my lack of fear might help our relationship
some of these people, my lack of fear might HURT our relationship


When I think about all that I am afraid of, I start asking myself, Why am I so afraid? I know there are somethings that are just rational things to be fearful of. Like heights. I am terrified. I'll still fly in a plane, but you won't see me skydiving. Hell no. But if I wasn't afraid, I totally would.

I wish I wasn't so afraid sometimes, but I guess in a way, it keeps me grounded. In my head, I am a very outgoing, fearless, thrill seeking human being. But my rational side tells me to shut the hell up and sit down in my seat. I've learned to shut the little bitch up enough for me to get a few things accomplished though. Like getting married. Having children. Getting a tattoo.

Probably the most irrational thing I am afraid of is Ferrets. Yes. Those creepy little spineless bastards. Ew. gross. They make me want to vomit. One thing that I think is probably more insane to be fearful of is my Life. I'm so scared to take charge of my life and really really be who I want to be. I'm constantly making excuses, and not changing. And it's just recently come to my attention. I'm afraid to be me. I think I'm more afraid that I wont like who I really am.

I'm all sorts of messed up today.


Enough about this fear crap. I have to stop being so afraid.

But I should. I have the most random shit go through my head. I can't even begin to explain some of the things I ponder while working, driving, or anything else that doesn't allow me to have conversations with another human. And even then, I have thoughts that go through my head while I'm speaking to someone like, for example, "I wonder what they would do if I kicked their shin right now". I need help :)

So I will try to get htese thoughts down, but for now, I have this : It's long, but I'm making up for lost posting time :)



Name: Amanda
Age:25
Birthdate: Feb 20, 83
Birthplace: Charleston, SC
Location:South Carolina

Appearence
Hair Color: Brown right now
Eye Color: Green
Weight: hahahahahahaha.
Height: 5'2''
Braces? had them for most of high school. including Prom and Graduation. I was the cool kid.
Glasses/contacts? Until I can get back to the Eye Dr, I have these headache inducing glasses
Freckles? a few
Scars? yes. a few. C-section, and where I busted my hand open while pregnant with my first
Style: comfortable and cheap

Favorite
Food: right now, pickles. Clausen Dills to be specific.
Drink: Coffee or Tea (unsweet with lemon and a splenda)
Store(s): Target
Color(s): Green, Purple, Red, Blue, Pink, Black, White.........I can't pick : )
Shoe Brand: Sale and fit. I don't give a rats ass what brand they are. But I do like the Issac Mizrahi (sp???) brand ok from Target :)
Clothing Brand(s): The kind that doesn't make it look like my thighs are fighting like pigs under a blanket. Currently, that's not a lot :)
Purse Brand(s): usually it's black. so whatever brand that comes in :) :)
This/That: this ish?
Coke/Pepsi: Coke
Bikini/One Peice: After having children- ONE PEICE- Cover that shit up!
Love/Money: This isn't just a one word answer. It' a little more complex if you think about it. Love of my children, but money in my marriage- it would eliminate a lot of stresses that cause us to not be that "loving" couple anymore....
Resturant/Fast Food: Wendy's, or Chili's. And Olive Garden.
Boy/Girl: Girls? I like boys, but I have daughters. sooooooooo this is a stupid question :)
Pop/Water: water
Dogs/Cats: cats
Abercrombie/Walmart: Walmart
Night/Day: Night
Sun/Rain: Sun

Have You Ever
Cried at work: Yes. Too many times I think
Laughed so hard you peed: Oh yes I have
Seen your best friend naked: Yeah
Taken a shower with someone: A few times
Been drunk: hmmm...nope. Wait, sorry, yes, a lot :)
Smoked: I am a smoker of the nicotine. And previous smoker of the other
Cried on someones shoulder: yes
Let someone cry on your shoulder: anytime they need it
Slept in bed with same sex: yes
Used the bathroom in front of a friend: a lot

Do You
Smoke yes
Do Drugs no
Drink every once in a while
Cry often yeah, a lot more than I used to
Change in front of your friends yes
Talk about private things with friends-- um....yes

In the Opposite Sex
Favorite eye color: Blue
Favorite hair color: Red
height: taller than me
weight: bigger than me
drink/smoke: rather not have a smoker
drugs: hell no
tatoos: yes please
peircings:sure :):)
style: cool

The last.
person you hugged: My babies
person you kissed: My babies
person you talked to: My boss
time you cried: Yesterday at lunch time
time you laughed: Earlier this morning
thing you bought: Starbucks
person you yelled at: probably one of my technicians...they get that a lot
person you said i love you to: My babies
person you told you they loved you: Husband
person you hit: uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh
thing you drank: Diet Pepsi
thing you ate: Pickle!!