The Cupcake Chronicles

I'm trying hard to be over the self loathing and self pity. I'm not, but I'm trying. Someone told me I deserve to have everything I want. Well guess what? It's not happening. I know that I shouldn't just expect it to happen over night, but ya know, would it be so bad to at least have a glimmer of hope here? As of now, I don't have even that. All I see is things getting shittier and shittier. And I want to it be effing over. And the longer my days are, the more I realize, it's not going to happen. Some people just don't get to be happy. Just sucks I'm not one of them. Damnit.

I guess each night is getting a little harder. I'm trying to pick up a hobby or something, but I'm afraid my heart just wouldn't be in it right now. My heart doesn't seem to be in much latley. I seem to get in these good moods, and it seems it doesn't take much to get me back down to being depressed. It wouldn't be so bad, except I really am trying to be happier. I mean, that's why I'm getting divored, right? To finally be happy. But today, I missed him. I really really missed him. But I think I miss the idea of him. Not him. Then I talked to him, and realized that, yes, it was the IDEA that I missed. And I don't want to be alone. But it's a big fear of mine, to be alone. I don't really want to be tied down right now, but I don't want to be alone either.

Well, last night was different. I got out of the funk temporarily. I figure if I can pull myself out enough times, things will get better. We started this thing at work called "A Complaint Free World". It was on Oprah I think. Anywhere, there is a website, a book, and these rubber braclets. Remeber those livestrong ones that were popular a few years back? Well, that's what these are, only they are purple. Anyway, the whole thing is, everytime you complain or gossip, or critisize, you move the thing from one arm to the other. The goal is to have it on the same arm for 21 days. AYE. So far, I have only changed it ONE time today! :) Granted it's early :) Maybe it's only temporary motivation, but whatever. Get it where you can.

Last night I got home and started with sitting my ass on the computer. But thought better of it...I ended up cooking dinner and cleaning. I did 2 loads of clothes while making the best dinner I have ever whipped up. It wasn't anything terribly special, but coming from a woman who really doesn't know how to cook, this is a big deal. I have NEVER cooked meat by myself. I ALWAYS get someone to check it for me. I'm paranoid about it. But last night, I did it. And, as you can tell, I am still alive and well :) The chicken was the shiz too! Lime pepper, with olive oil and broccoli pasta and a bread thing (idk what it was, but it was on sale at the store..square, garlicy...aka-yummy) with colby jack cheese melted on top. Oh. My. God. And do you know who I got to share it with?? No one. So I had tons left, and no one to tell me how good it was :P I'm going to have to learn how to cook for one. Because, really, I don't really have a clue. It can't be too hard though. After dinner, I cleaned up a little bit. Then put the baby down for bed. I then sat my little but down and watched Army Wives. After which, I got up, cleaned up the rest of the way and felt satisfied that I had done good tonight. I could get used to this...

Well the divorce is on it's way. And I've been hurting a little bit. But it's what I want, and it's time to start moving on. Until last night, I thought I was fine. A few drinks made me realize otherwise. So if there is anyone reading this, I can say with absolute certainty now...divorce is hard on everyone. Even the person who WANTS it....it effing blows. There are shattered peices of my life all around me. I wanted this, and I knew what I was going to have to sacrifice...but I never imagined watching my life go in a spiral like it has. It's in front of me falling and I can't catch it. And I'm trying like hell. And I don't want him back. Ever. But I do want my life back. I can't function. I am putting a happy face outside. But on the inside...

my house is a mess. i am a mess. my dog is even a mess. i have to many things on my plate, and i want to be supermom, and do them all, and i'm failing miserably. i don't know what would be worse at this time. giving it all up and admiting that i can't do it, or trying, failing, and looking like a douche bag when i fall on my ass? i think i'm going to just try and hope i don't fall. and if do, i just hope the people around me that see me do it dont ridicule me. but the way things are going now, there wont be anyone at all. i guess that is a plus, right?